I don’t know exactly when it happened. It wasn’t immediate. No, I turned my back on God one-step at a time. I didn’t trust him anymore. I thought I had been doing what he wanted. I thought I was listening to him, but it seemed like every choice I was making ended in pain. If doing his will was only going to lead me to pain, then turning my back was the only way to keep from hurting. I wasn’t going to let myself be hurt anymore.
Within a year I experienced some of the worst pain I’d ever felt. Just one thing would have been enough to test my faith. But it happened over and over. I kept getting hurt. I lost three of my best friends over the course of a few months. One of which I had been friends with for over 10 years. My marriage deteriorated to the point that we separated and divorce was imminent. It seemed like everyone I was close to ended up hurting me.
Throughout this time I was still connected to God. I was studying the life of David. As I read a chapter a day of A Heart Like His by Beth Moore every chapter talked to me specifically about what was going on in my immediate life. He was still speaking to me and I was still looking to him for guidance. I was desperate to know what to do. Thankfully he led me back into my marriage. My husband was the one God meant for me to be with. It wasn’t hard to follow that guidance. Despite all we went through, we still loved each other. I wanted to be with him.
It wasn’t until after everything happened that my relationship with God faltered. I was sure I had been wrong before. I had thought I was hearing his voice but I must have misunderstood. That was my first step. I didn’t trust my ability to discern if what he was telling me was real or not. I didn’t trust that it was his voice. It didn’t take long for me to stop trusting him. I stopped listening…and he stopped talking.
I didn’t lose my faith. I knew I was wrong. I knew he was good. There must have been a reason for it all. But trusting him was too risky. I was learning first hand that Satan attacks those who are closest to God. I wasn’t. He didn’t have to waste his time trying to distract me from God. I was already there.
Over the next few years I watched God work in my life. I knew what he was doing. I recognized his work. So I stood back and watched him do it all.
My marriage was still rocky. We were back together, we loved each other, but we were both still broken from the past. Neither of us was very convinced that we would make it. What would it mean for me if that happened? I would have to move back home. Get a degree so I could support my kids. I decided to get a head start just in case. I decided to go to school now.
To the world, this was the smart thing to do. The right choice. I don’t regret going to school, but I knew my motives were not from God. I didn’t want to have to rely on him to take care of me. Didn’t want to have to trust him. So I was making sure I could take care of myself.
I fell in love with going to school. Honestly, I always had enjoyed school. It was exciting to be learning again. I devoted myself to getting an “A” in every class and at the end of every class my confidence grew when I achieved that goal. Then God stepped in.
I received a call from my academic advisor. My upcoming History class had been canceled. There were several choices I could choose from. I don’t remember what those choices were. As soon as she said creative writing the others didn’t even register. Writing has been my passion since the 3rd grade. I had even been working on and off (mostly off) on a book series for years. Needless to say I chose the creative writing class.
My first assignment for the class was a short story based on a painting. I didn’t have to think twice about what painting to use. Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night is my all time favorite. When I look at Starry Night I see myself. All the disorder of my thoughts and feelings. I knew how Van Gogh had been feeling when he painted that piece. I didn’t realize until later that the reason I understood it so well was because, just like Van Gogh, I’m bipolar. My short story became about a young girl who through the painting finds out that she is bipolar. To this day I don’t think my professor knew that I was the girl in the story. That I am bipolar.
I was terrified the first day of class. I had gotten a great score on the paper, but I assumed everyone had. It was the first assignment. She probably was just being easy on everyone. I wanted so badly for her to think I had talent. If she told me otherwise my confidence would have plummeted. Then the girl sitting next to me in class started talking about how harshly she had graded them and everyone else started agreeing. It probably makes e selfish, but I had to fight not to smile.
I was feeling pretty good. We went on a break and as my professor was walking out of the room (we were the only two left) She stops and turns to me. She said,” You’re a really good writer by the way.” A college professor. An English teacher who had seen plenty of writers’ work had stopped to tell me I was talented. It may seem silly, but my life changed in that one moment. I was going to write. I had the confidence to actually try. But I still planned on finishing my Elementary Education degree. I would just write on the side.
The class ended having blown my confidence as a writer sky high. It was month or two later when I received a call from the professor. She had mentioned a publication they were starting in class. She thought we might want to submit some work for it. She wasn’t calling to ask me to submit some of my stories, though. She was asking me to be the editor. I was completely blown away.
It was then that I realized I didn’t really want to teach. I had always worked with special needs kids. It seemed like the obvious path to take. Now I knew I wasn’t passionate about it. But this I could be passionate about. I decided to change my major to English.
The first issue of the publication came out and after a lot of bumps in the road it finally got printed and it looked amazing. Seeing my name as editor-in-chief was amazing. A University publication, and I was editor. A thousand copies were distributed between campuses and nearby businesses. The experience was exciting and we couldn’t wait to get started on the next issue.
The same week the publication came out I had scheduled surgery. For almost a year my husband and I couldn’t sleep in the same room because my snoring was so loud (slightly embarrassing). Despite that our marriage was doing well and has continued to improve since. My snoring hadn’t always been that loud. It just got a lot worse pretty suddenly. Looking back on it now, God has perfect timing.
In the middle of February I had surgery to fix the sleep apnea that was causing the snoring. They removed my uvula, adenoids, tonsils, and a portion of my soft palette. It’s not a fun surgery I assure you. I was terrified before the surgery that my voice would be ruined. I’m a pretty decent singer. Not the best but I have a little talent. Losing that would be devastating. It’s one of the things I love to do best in the world. When I was pregnant with my first son, my diaphragm all but gave out. It was awful not being able to sing, but luckily I got my voice back eventually. But what if the surgery ruined it for good?
Two weeks later I had mostly recovered from the surgery and I decided to give singing a try. I was anxious to know what I sounded like. As soon as I started I realized how much easier it was. Then I realized how much better I sounded. I was ecstatic. In my excitement I recorded a video of me singing “Never Alone” by Barlow Girl. The next day a friend from work, who I knew was a Christian, said she loved the song. Then she asked if I wanted to go see a Newsboys concert that night.
I had gone to a Newsboys concert when I was a teenager and I still to this day talk about it being one of the best I’ve been to. I’ve told many people about how exciting one part was where two of them started playing the drums on this platform that rose up, tilted, and started to spin. It was amazing and probably my favorite concert moment ever. Well, it was my favorite concert moment ever.
So naturally, I was stoked. I cleared it with my husband and rushed to the show as soon as I got out of work. On the way there, my friend explained to me that it wasn’t exactly the same group. They had changed a lot. I was pretty sad when I found that out. The sadness didn’t last long. When she said Michael Tait was the lead singer. Michael Tait. As in DC Talk. DC TALK! I was stoked once again.
Going into this concert I knew my relationship with God was probably going to change. As time had gone by the wall I had put up had slowly gotten weaker and weaker. I was very aware that soon there would be a moment when that wall crumbled and I’d be back where I should be. I had just been waiting for the moment to come. Concerts are always extremely powerful. It’s like God puts his hand on every one of us as we worship him. But I was still fighting it. Not as hard as before but I still was.
Then the opening bands performed. I had never heard of Anthem Lights or Abandon before. Being separated from God kind of puts you out of the loop when it comes to Christian music. Hence the not knowing about Michael Tait being the lead singer of the Newsboys. So when Anthem Lights took the stage I didn’t even know they were a “boy band.” I use that term loosely. I specifically remember seeing the four of them start singing and turned to my friend and in thirteen year old girl excitement say “THEY’RE A BOY BAND!”. But that’s not why I got addicted to their music. It was how my life changed after the concert that hooked me.
After they were done, Abandon played. And they were just as amazing. I’ve never quite rocked out like that and simultaneously felt the amazing worship going on at the same time before. But I was still fighting. I was excited, jumping around, having ridiculous amounts of fun, but I was still holding back on the worship part. That wall was falling, I could feel it, but I wasn’t letting it down completely.
The Newsboys played and were fun and exciting. I loved seeing Michael Tait in a concert again. I thoroughly enjoyed their performance too. But when I went home I downloaded every single Abandon and Anthem Lights song I could get my hands on. I added “God’s Not Dead” and “I am second” and made a playlist literally called Newsboys Concert. Then I listened to it for 24 hours. No joke. I slept with the ear buds in my ears all night with the music still playing.
I never had that, “okay, right this second I’m back to God” moment. But a day or two later I was a completely different person. I accepted Christ when I was 5 years old but I never known anything like this before. Not the person I was before when I was close to God. I was a COMPLETELY different person. I didn’t have the emotional high I used to get after a concert like that. I had a calm but intense fire burning inside me. I wasn’t just back to God. I was closer than I had ever been. Even my self-confidence was changed. I wasn’t afraid anymore. To talk about God, to be who I am in him without being scared of what people will think of me.
Anthem Light’s song “Can’t Get Over You” was the song that resonated with me over the next few days. It brought me to tears and at one point sobbing and crying out to God about His goodness and how he never left me. I turned my back on him. I watched him work in my life and it still took me this long to come home. (Today Abandon’s song “Why Does It Take So Long?” is really speaking to me about that.)
That’s when it all started. It felt like everyday he was showing me himself in every aspect of my life.
I emailed the women’s bible study group at our church and told them I realized they were probably close to the end of their studies since they started quite some time ago. But I needed to connect with a women’s group. I needed that support. I received an email in return telling me they had just started a study the week before. Following the life of David…David. God was going to be speaking to me constantly, just like he had when I was still looking to him while reading A Heart Like His. Just like he was before I turned my back on him. He was going to show me his unfailing guidance.
I was listening for his voice again. I needed to hear it again. But I still had doubt. I asked him to speak to me. A clear thought came into my mind. Quit School. It shocked me. Ridiculous. That couldn’t have been him speaking. I blew it off. I was sure he hadn’t told me to quit school. Then I asked him how I knew what was him speaking. How can I tell if it’s really you?
That same morning in church a man talked to the congregation about a class on prayer starting that coming Wednesday. He said it was about learning to listen for God’s voice and be able discern when it’s him talking or not. Wow. Loud and clear God.
When I went to the women’s bible study Priscilla Shirer talked about listening to God’s voice and answer his call. Suddenly quitting school came to mind again. This time I didn’t throw it aside. I asked the women to pray for me. That I know what God really wants me to do.
Sunday. I went to God and said, “I need to know once and for all. What do you want me to do? Do I quit school or not?” I have only had God ask me to get on my knees a handful of times. This time I hit the floor and knew it wasn’t enough. I rested my forehead on the floor. “I will tell you at the service”. I was so sure it was his voice. Going into the service I knew He would answer and He did. The sermon talked about following God’s call. I knew without a doubt he want me to quit school. To leave behind one of the things I love. And without being a student I would have to say goodbye to being the editor of the publication.
But I was steadfast. I knew without a doubt what he wanted and I was going to do it. Usually I would second-guess. I would think maybe I was wrong. This time I never waivered. Not once. That alone tells me this was what God wanted. I had to explain to my financial advisor and my academic advisor my reason. They were confused. Obviously it wasn’t that I was having trouble in school. I had achieved my goal of straight A’s. I asked my financial advisor what I needed to expect when it came to financial aid. Coincidentally (yeah right), after this class I would have exactly 24 credits. The end of my first academic year. Clean cut financially.
Then I had to tell my creative writing professor and the other editor of the publication. By God’s grace the other editor was a Christian and my professor was orthodox Jewish. Both would understand after a small amount of convincing that this is the road I was meant to take. The fact that I was heartbroken showed that this truly was an act of faith and not just quitting school. I knew exactly why he was asking me to do this. He showed me that at the same time. He didn’t say the words. I just knew. He wanted me to write. I needed to focus on two things. Writing and my family. I was lacking in filling the responsibility I had as a mother and a wife. And the books I’m writing are interwoven with biblical stories. He wants me to write them and I can’t do that working and going to school.
Over the next two days there was lots of crying in private and fighting the tears in public. I was exhausted. God was speaking to me so much. I felt like I needed a break. It felt like too much at once. Wednesday I went to prayer class and told them about how God had led me to quit school and all the pain that came from that. I barely got the words out between the tears. After the class the grief had been lifted. I didn’t feel burdened down by it all. It wasn’t God speaking to me that was overwhelming. What he was asking me to do was and he gave me peace. He spoke to me and told me to rest. I needed a time of rest. Then I realized I had taken the day off of work the next day to stand in line for the midnight showing of The Hunger Games. An entire day of sitting. Resting. The next day we drove home to see our families in Omaha, NE. The rest of the weekend I spent with my family, resting. God is good.
The next Wednesday was our last week of prayer class. (All of this has happened over the course of these three weeks.) After the class ended a woman came up to me and asked if she could pray for me. Surprised I agreed and we prayed together. She asked God to help me let go of what I needed to let go of. I just need to let go. I was shocked and bewildered. What in the world do I need to let go of? As I drove home I listened to my Newsboys concert list (of course) and Abandon’s song “Let Go” played. It was my house.
I needed to let go of frantically cleaning my house. Our house was being inspected by housing on base that coming Friday. They check the electricity, appliances, etc. I have an anxiety attack every time. I’m ashamed that my house isn’t perfectly in order. I have lots of big projects I need to do to organize everything and having three boys it’s hard enough keeping it picked up. I needed to let it go. I am still the same person in God with a dirty house as I am with a perfect one. And with quitting school I’ll be home more. One day at a time, getting it all done.
Sometime in the past weeks I was browsing through the Newsboys concert schedule. (Yeah, I know, I did say I was addicted). I saw they were playing in North Platte, NE. We go through it every time we drive home to Omaha. It’s exactly halfway. 5 hours. I could do that! So I bought two tickets.
The concert was on the same day as the inspection. On the way to the concert my husband calls and tells me they had to reschedule. They won’t be coming until sometime in May. A month away. Let it go. Thank God I did.
When we arrive at the concert incredibly we get seats in the second row. Insanely close to the stage. I noticed the catwalk they had in the first concert wasn’t there. That kind of stinks, but not a big deal, just stinks they won’t be able to do the entire show as well. Little did I know.
Anthem Lights and Abandon are as amazing as the first time. Well even better because I knew every word of every song and my wall was down. I was worshipping my heart out. “Can’t Get Over You” got me pretty choked up of course. Of course I sang along to every Abandon song too. My friend loved them. I knew she would. We did in fact drive the 5 hours pretty much to see just those two bands open. I had no idea what was coming next.
Newsboys were amazing. Worshipping with them made this time so much better for me. Then they got to Jesus Freak. If I thought it was excited when they did it at the last concert I was going crazy at this one. No they did have the catwalk. They had something SO much better. When I realized the drums were rising up on a platform I freaked out (no pun intended). I had been recording the entire song. Listening back on it I would like to blame the insane screaming to a hoarse voice since it was close to the end of the concert. But it wasn’t. I couldn’t help it. I was getting to see my favorite concert moment all over again and getting it on video. I screamed louder when the platform tilted and would have gotten louder if I could have when it started spinning.
After the show we went out to meet Abandon and Anthem Lights. Talked to Abandon for a little bit and started searching for the Newsboys. I eventually went back over to Abandon and asked them where we could find them. They broke the news that only the VIP ticket holders got to meet them. Them one of them said, “You should pray about it.” I laughed and we started walking. And in true crazy girls that we are form we decided we were going to find their bus and see if we could meet them there. Hey I said we were crazy.
There are several buses and trucks out there and I’m saying we won’t be able to find which one is theirs. We go back inside to go to the bathroom and I remember Abandon saying jokingly that we should pray about it. So I did. We really wanted to meet Duncan, the drummer. He’s one of the most exciting parts of the show. He’s so fun to watch. We wanted to meet Michael Tait too but we weren’t getting our hopes too high. Just Duncan would be fantastic.
When we walk out the doors towards the buses again we see Jeff Frankenstein putting some of his gear away underneath their bus. Now we knew which one was theirs. We’re succeeding at this whole stalker thing (I hope you can tell that was a joke). A man gets off the bus and we stop him asking about Duncan. He’s still packing up his gear so he should be coming out soon. We look at each other and realize we probably just pulled this off. We’re actually meeting Duncan. How sweet is that?!
After a bit Duncan comes towards the bus and we explain the 5 hour drive to see them and we were wondering if we could get a picture. I’ll admit it was sucking up a little but it was true…
Then Michael Tait pokes his head out of the bus and I jump on the opportunity to ask him if he’ll take a picture with us too. At this point I realize how different I really have become. A month before I never would have had the courage to ask him. So Michael comes out, pizza in hand. We interrupted his dinner. How cool is he for doing it? I love that he’s holding that pizza in the picture. It cracks me up. We got to chat with Duncan for a bit and finally headed home.
As we talk the whole 5 hours about the concert and how amazing the night was, I really start to think about it all. How incredible this past month has been. How this night was the perfect ending to a life-changing month. And it occurs to me that maybe, just maybe, this whole night was a gift from God. A blessing for following him again.
Think about it. North Platte, a tiny town that seems slightly random for a stop on their tour. If it had been in any other city between here and Omaha I’m not sure I would have considered going. But I’m so familiar with North Platte and how to get there. It just seemed perfect. I’m used to driving the 10 hours to Omaha, North Platte would be a cinch. Getting amazing seats. The drum platform!!! And Abandon jokingly telling us to pray about seeing the Newsboys and when I actually do it works?! I’m certainly not saying God solely orchestrated the concert for me. There were so many people at the concert whose lives were touch and changed. But in my small world, I’m thanking God for a gift I in no way deserved.
